8/1/11
My dad is home now as of saturday. we had his last dinner - chicken, cheese potatoes (she was late and made them at moms house - so lame.) Amy made a salad, I made corn avocado salsa and clam dip, suzette made homemade ice cream. it was crazy weird. he looked around at each of us. I hope he knew we were there for him. he hasn't eaten in 2 days now - that is so strange to me. I talked to suzette tonight and she reminded me what is in his future if we don't intervene - feeding tubes, drooling, iv's, forgetting how to swallow, choking, aspirating, pneumonia. it all sucks, but so does this. I hope that I am doing the right thing I hope I am not killing my dad. i hope it is okay that we are doing this. grandpa also comforted me - he is such a good man, kind and has been through more than his fair share. he still mourns grandma so much. i will be sad when my dad is gone. the nurse said it will likely take about 13 days which puts it at thursday or friday next week. that is crazy soon but i will be glad when it can be over for him. i miss the man he was, but I know he would hate sitting on this earth, messing his pants and depending on everyone to do what they have to do for him. he would want to go to be with his dad and his mom and people who love him. i love him and will miss him so much when he is gone. i hope he will forgive me. i hope i'm not doing anything that requires forgiveness.
Some of you know I like to run. One of my favorite races to do is the Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay (explain ragnar: 2 vans, 12 people, running all day night day).
This June’s race was our second Ragnar. I had picked a leg originally that would challenge me but wasn’t considered one of the harder legs. My original leg totaled 14.8 miles. However, 3 weeks before the race they changed my route to 18.5mile. I had just run another race 2 weeks before and was nursing my knee and hoping I could complete Ragnar with some sense of accomplishment. When I found out they had changed my route, I got completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t able to train properly for the last few weeks, and knowing that made me anxious. With a few weeks left to go, I did something I don’t normally do: I asked for a priesthood blessing. The blessing itself was very nice and short and to the point: help me get through my race while also fulfilling my obligations and duties as a wife and mother.
Fast forward to the day of the race. I made it through my first leg (the final 4 miles or so miles to snowbasin up Trappers Loop). I felt awesome, and my knee felt great. Now, with Ragnar, your first leg is just that; one of three legs that will eventually get you through the end. I had ahead of me my first real challenge, and the one I had worried about most: my night run. I started this run at 3:47am on Saturday morning. It took me from the southernmost edge of Rock Port Reservoir to the rodeo grounds in Oakley, Utah, 6.9 miles away.
Now, it would seem that running 6.9 miles in the dark would be troublesome, but it’s not. On night runs, it is mandatory to wear a headlamp. The headlamp casts its glow in a perfect circle on the road ahead in front of your feet. After a while, this circle starts to mess with your eyes; it feels like you have fish-eyed vision. I had remembered this from last year and was watching and waiting for this effect of the light, but it never happened. The moon was just 3 days beyond full, and I looked up for its comforting light often during my run. I was very grateful to have both of these light sources illuminating my way. At some point in the race, I remembered the blessing that I had been given: that I would be able to run my race, but still perform the duties I was needed for in the other aspects of my life. I thought of the blessing, and realized some of the peace I was feeling despite my now hip and knee, the fatigue of driving all day and night, and the frustration of being passed by more runners than I could count without passing anyone up myself, meant that I was being blessed and uplifted by the consequences of that blessing. I was incredibly grateful.
I had looked forward to running so early in the morning (or maybe late at night, however you want to look at it!) because I wanted to witness the beginnings of the sunrise. Thanks to my headlamp the moon was so full that night, it was never really really dark. When I finally reached the “1 mile to go” sign, I looked over to where I imagined the eastern mountains were. Where a few moments ago it had been black, there was a tiny glow. The sun had begun its journey toward the day.
This week as I read the talk I was assigned to speak on (Elder Bednar’s The Spirit of Revelation from April’s conference) I thought of my experience with light from the my run that night with my headlamp, the moon, and the just rising sun and compared to the light from the Holy Ghost. Elder Bednar teaches us that from “ordinary experiences with light, we can learn much about the spirit of revelation….the Holy Ghost will inspire and instruct us as we now focus upon the spirit of revelation and the basic patterns whereby revelation is received.” One of those ways is just the way I received it: by watching the sun rise, by seeing “the visual evidence of the sun’s impending arrival (which) was apparent hours before the sun actually appeared over the horizon.” Thus, we see light by subtle degrees and increments. Contrast this with Elder Bednar’s idea going into a dark room and turning on the light. The room is instantly brought into focus, and all shadows are chased away. To put these examples of light in the context of receiving revelation, one could associate the obtaining of a testimony, line upon line, precept upon precept, day after day as we gain confidence in our beliefs and our trust in God, as an example of the gradual light of the rising sun. In contrast, the first vision of Joseph Smith in the sacred grove, or of the Savior appearing to Joseph Smith in the Kirtland Temple, are examples of a revelation as a light being switched on in a dark room.
Elder Bednar teaches us: The spirit of revelation is available to every person who receives by proper priesthood authority the saving ordinances of baptism by immersion for the remission of sins and the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost—and who is acting in faith to fulfill the priesthood injunction to “receive the Holy Ghost.” This blessing is not restricted to the presiding authorities of the Church; rather, it belongs to and should be operative in the life of every man, woman, and child who reaches the age of accountability and enters into sacred covenants. Sincere desire and worthiness invite the spirit of revelation into our lives.
Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery…learned they could receive whatever knowledge was necessary to complete their work if they asked in faith, with an honest heart, believing they would receive. And over time they increasingly understood the spirit of revelation typically functions as thoughts and feelings that come into our minds and hearts by the power of the Holy Ghost.
Asking in faith, believing that we will receive. This is a hard thing. In my own life, I have struggled with this idea. I’m okay with the asking, it’s the believing that I will receive that is hard. Asking for an answer to a prayer has been an intimidating thing in my life. I want to do what is right, but I also want to do what I want. It’s hard for me to ask, believing that I will receive.
Additonally, it’s often hard to not receive an immediate answer, or the answer that we want. But God knows what is best for us. When he has divine inspiration to give us, he will make sure we have it. I have received this in my life. I have also had times when I didn’t receive an answer, and I did the best I could in the circumstances I was in and with the choices I was given. But, like anything, as we practice listening to the Holy Ghost, we learn to recognize it. When we do what the Spirit encourages us to do, it speaks to us more frequently. Thus, we receive the revelation that Heavenly Father wants us to have, which helps us in our daily lives.
Elder Bednar states: A light turned on in a dark room is like receiving a message from God quickly, completely, and all at once. Many of us have experienced this pattern of revelation as we have been given answers to sincere prayers or been provided with needed direction or protection, according to God’s will and timing. Descriptions of such immediate and intense manifestations are found in the scriptures, recounted in Church history, and evidenced in our own lives. Indeed, these mighty miracles do occur. However, this pattern of revelation tends to be more rare than common. He goes on to state: We…tend to emphasize marvelous and dramatic spiritual manifestations so much that we may fail to appreciate and may even overlook the customary pattern by which the Holy Ghost accomplishes His work.
Now, I could relate to this next part of Elder Bednars talk where he says: I have talked with many individuals who question the strength of their personal testimony and underestimate their spiritual capacity because they do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions. If you have had similar thoughts or doubts, please know that you are quite normal. Just keep pressing forward obediently and with faith in the Savior. As you do so, you “cannot go amiss”
I can’t tell you how comforting it is to hear Elder Bednar say this! The home I grew up in wasn’t super spiritual. We went to church, but we didn’t talk about learning to listen to the Holy Ghost very often. Most of what I know about the spirit I have learned in the last few years. When I read the scriptures as a teenager and learned of the miraculous events like Elder Bednar mentioned, I immediately dismissed myself from ever having those sorts of experiences. Because I wasn’t taught how to identify the spirit, I immediately assumed I couldn’t receive instruction from the spirit. It was only when I began to recognize and follow the spirit that I could look back and know I was getting direction from the Lord, I just didn’t realize it. It is comforting to know that more of us are like me, that I’m not the only one in the church who hasn’t received a Nephi or Alma or Joseph Smith-like revelation.
From the talk: President Joseph F. Smith counseled: “Show me Latter-day Saints who have to feed upon miracles, signs and visions in order to keep them steadfast in the Church, and I will show you members … who are not in good standing before God, and who are walking in slippery paths. It is not by marvelous manifestations unto us that we shall be established in the truth, but it is by humility and faithful obedience to the commandments and laws of God”
This is not to say that I haven’t received guidance from the Lord. I have been given direction at critical moments in my life, where I couldn’t question that it came from God (mostly because only God would conceive of the events – they were far beyond my ability to understand.) Yet, even when I know I’ve received something from God, when the light has been turned on for me, and I have seen, it’s still easy to doubt. I allow a little time to pass between the answer to the prayer and it becomes harder to believe that what I received was really the Spirit, and not just a hopeful wish. In these times, almost immediately, I am reminded of the experience of Oliver Cowdery when he was transcribing the words Joseph would read from the plates.
The answer that has comforted me so often is this scripture, Section 6, vs 22-24. Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might aknow concerning the truth of these things.
23Did I not speak apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater bwitness can you have than from God?
24And now, behold, you have received a awitness; for if I have btold you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?
When I remember these verses, I feel peace. It is similar to what elder Bednar describes when the sun rises on a cloudy day. Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment when the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we nonetheless have sufficient light to recognize a new day and to conduct our affairs.
In a similar way, we many times receive revelation without recognizing precisely how or when we are receiving revelation.
I think that this is the way that most of our personal revelation comes to us. We as members of the church walk in our day to day lives, receiving little bits of light to ease our own burdens and those of others. Sometimes we know it comes from God, and other times there is a question. But we can know from the scriptures that “for there is nothing which is good save it comes from the Lord.” So go ahead and pick up the phone and call when you think of that person who might need you today, or go knock on the door of your neighbor when the thought comes to you, or stop to pray right then without putting it off for a few minutes. There is probably a reason for it, and you and someone else will likely be blessed.
Finally, I’d like to share this quote from Elder Bednar’s talk:
In many of the uncertainties and challenges we encounter in our lives, God requires us to do our best, to act and not be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:26), and to trust in Him. We may not see angels, hear heavenly voices, or receive overwhelming spiritual impressions. We frequently may press forward hoping and praying—but without absolute assurance—that we are acting in accordance with God’s will. As you appropriately seek for and apply unto the spirit of revelation, I promise you will “walk in the light of the Lord” (Isaiah 2:5; 2 Nephi 12:5.
So to go back to that June morning when I watched the light grow as I ran the last bit of my run, I knew I had been blessed by the light. I watched the faint light in the east grow that final mile until I turned a corner. I could see the brightly lit exchange ahead of me, which meant my husband and sister and friends were there waiting for me. The bright light of the exchange chased away all doubt, and I could finally know with assurity where I was meant to go. I compare it to the great light we will all go into one day, the light of God’s presence, where our family members and friends and our Father will be waiting to welcome us home, our long race completed, our bodies weary from the effort.
Bear true testimony. Amen.
Some of you know I like to run. One of my favorite races to do is the Wasatch Back Ragnar Relay (explain ragnar: 2 vans, 12 people, running all day night day).
This June’s race was our second Ragnar. I had picked a leg originally that would challenge me but wasn’t considered one of the harder legs. My original leg totaled 14.8 miles. However, 3 weeks before the race they changed my route to 18.5mile. I had just run another race 2 weeks before and was nursing my knee and hoping I could complete Ragnar with some sense of accomplishment. When I found out they had changed my route, I got completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t able to train properly for the last few weeks, and knowing that made me anxious. With a few weeks left to go, I did something I don’t normally do: I asked for a priesthood blessing. The blessing itself was very nice and short and to the point: help me get through my race while also fulfilling my obligations and duties as a wife and mother.
Fast forward to the day of the race. I made it through my first leg (the final 4 miles or so miles to snowbasin up Trappers Loop). I felt awesome, and my knee felt great. Now, with Ragnar, your first leg is just that; one of three legs that will eventually get you through the end. I had ahead of me my first real challenge, and the one I had worried about most: my night run. I started this run at 3:47am on Saturday morning. It took me from the southernmost edge of Rock Port Reservoir to the rodeo grounds in Oakley, Utah, 6.9 miles away.
Now, it would seem that running 6.9 miles in the dark would be troublesome, but it’s not. On night runs, it is mandatory to wear a headlamp. The headlamp casts its glow in a perfect circle on the road ahead in front of your feet. After a while, this circle starts to mess with your eyes; it feels like you have fish-eyed vision. I had remembered this from last year and was watching and waiting for this effect of the light, but it never happened. The moon was just 3 days beyond full, and I looked up for its comforting light often during my run. I was very grateful to have both of these light sources illuminating my way. At some point in the race, I remembered the blessing that I had been given: that I would be able to run my race, but still perform the duties I was needed for in the other aspects of my life. I thought of the blessing, and realized some of the peace I was feeling despite my now hip and knee, the fatigue of driving all day and night, and the frustration of being passed by more runners than I could count without passing anyone up myself, meant that I was being blessed and uplifted by the consequences of that blessing. I was incredibly grateful.
I had looked forward to running so early in the morning (or maybe late at night, however you want to look at it!) because I wanted to witness the beginnings of the sunrise. Thanks to my headlamp the moon was so full that night, it was never really really dark. When I finally reached the “1 mile to go” sign, I looked over to where I imagined the eastern mountains were. Where a few moments ago it had been black, there was a tiny glow. The sun had begun its journey toward the day.
This week as I read the talk I was assigned to speak on (Elder Bednar’s The Spirit of Revelation from April’s conference) I thought of my experience with light from the my run that night with my headlamp, the moon, and the just rising sun and compared to the light from the Holy Ghost. Elder Bednar teaches us that from “ordinary experiences with light, we can learn much about the spirit of revelation….the Holy Ghost will inspire and instruct us as we now focus upon the spirit of revelation and the basic patterns whereby revelation is received.” One of those ways is just the way I received it: by watching the sun rise, by seeing “the visual evidence of the sun’s impending arrival (which) was apparent hours before the sun actually appeared over the horizon.” Thus, we see light by subtle degrees and increments. Contrast this with Elder Bednar’s idea going into a dark room and turning on the light. The room is instantly brought into focus, and all shadows are chased away. To put these examples of light in the context of receiving revelation, one could associate the obtaining of a testimony, line upon line, precept upon precept, day after day as we gain confidence in our beliefs and our trust in God, as an example of the gradual light of the rising sun. In contrast, the first vision of Joseph Smith in the sacred grove, or of the Savior appearing to Joseph Smith in the Kirtland Temple, are examples of a revelation as a light being switched on in a dark room.
Elder Bednar teaches us: The spirit of revelation is available to every person who receives by proper priesthood authority the saving ordinances of baptism by immersion for the remission of sins and the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost—and who is acting in faith to fulfill the priesthood injunction to “receive the Holy Ghost.” This blessing is not restricted to the presiding authorities of the Church; rather, it belongs to and should be operative in the life of every man, woman, and child who reaches the age of accountability and enters into sacred covenants. Sincere desire and worthiness invite the spirit of revelation into our lives.
Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery…learned they could receive whatever knowledge was necessary to complete their work if they asked in faith, with an honest heart, believing they would receive. And over time they increasingly understood the spirit of revelation typically functions as thoughts and feelings that come into our minds and hearts by the power of the Holy Ghost.
Asking in faith, believing that we will receive. This is a hard thing. In my own life, I have struggled with this idea. I’m okay with the asking, it’s the believing that I will receive that is hard. Asking for an answer to a prayer has been an intimidating thing in my life. I want to do what is right, but I also want to do what I want. It’s hard for me to ask, believing that I will receive.
Additonally, it’s often hard to not receive an immediate answer, or the answer that we want. But God knows what is best for us. When he has divine inspiration to give us, he will make sure we have it. I have received this in my life. I have also had times when I didn’t receive an answer, and I did the best I could in the circumstances I was in and with the choices I was given. But, like anything, as we practice listening to the Holy Ghost, we learn to recognize it. When we do what the Spirit encourages us to do, it speaks to us more frequently. Thus, we receive the revelation that Heavenly Father wants us to have, which helps us in our daily lives.
Elder Bednar states: A light turned on in a dark room is like receiving a message from God quickly, completely, and all at once. Many of us have experienced this pattern of revelation as we have been given answers to sincere prayers or been provided with needed direction or protection, according to God’s will and timing. Descriptions of such immediate and intense manifestations are found in the scriptures, recounted in Church history, and evidenced in our own lives. Indeed, these mighty miracles do occur. However, this pattern of revelation tends to be more rare than common. He goes on to state: We…tend to emphasize marvelous and dramatic spiritual manifestations so much that we may fail to appreciate and may even overlook the customary pattern by which the Holy Ghost accomplishes His work.
Now, I could relate to this next part of Elder Bednars talk where he says: I have talked with many individuals who question the strength of their personal testimony and underestimate their spiritual capacity because they do not receive frequent, miraculous, or strong impressions. If you have had similar thoughts or doubts, please know that you are quite normal. Just keep pressing forward obediently and with faith in the Savior. As you do so, you “cannot go amiss”
I can’t tell you how comforting it is to hear Elder Bednar say this! The home I grew up in wasn’t super spiritual. We went to church, but we didn’t talk about learning to listen to the Holy Ghost very often. Most of what I know about the spirit I have learned in the last few years. When I read the scriptures as a teenager and learned of the miraculous events like Elder Bednar mentioned, I immediately dismissed myself from ever having those sorts of experiences. Because I wasn’t taught how to identify the spirit, I immediately assumed I couldn’t receive instruction from the spirit. It was only when I began to recognize and follow the spirit that I could look back and know I was getting direction from the Lord, I just didn’t realize it. It is comforting to know that more of us are like me, that I’m not the only one in the church who hasn’t received a Nephi or Alma or Joseph Smith-like revelation.
From the talk: President Joseph F. Smith counseled: “Show me Latter-day Saints who have to feed upon miracles, signs and visions in order to keep them steadfast in the Church, and I will show you members … who are not in good standing before God, and who are walking in slippery paths. It is not by marvelous manifestations unto us that we shall be established in the truth, but it is by humility and faithful obedience to the commandments and laws of God”
This is not to say that I haven’t received guidance from the Lord. I have been given direction at critical moments in my life, where I couldn’t question that it came from God (mostly because only God would conceive of the events – they were far beyond my ability to understand.) Yet, even when I know I’ve received something from God, when the light has been turned on for me, and I have seen, it’s still easy to doubt. I allow a little time to pass between the answer to the prayer and it becomes harder to believe that what I received was really the Spirit, and not just a hopeful wish. In these times, almost immediately, I am reminded of the experience of Oliver Cowdery when he was transcribing the words Joseph would read from the plates.
The answer that has comforted me so often is this scripture, Section 6, vs 22-24. Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might aknow concerning the truth of these things.
23Did I not speak apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater bwitness can you have than from God?
24And now, behold, you have received a awitness; for if I have btold you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?
When I remember these verses, I feel peace. It is similar to what elder Bednar describes when the sun rises on a cloudy day. Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment when the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we nonetheless have sufficient light to recognize a new day and to conduct our affairs.
In a similar way, we many times receive revelation without recognizing precisely how or when we are receiving revelation.
I think that this is the way that most of our personal revelation comes to us. We as members of the church walk in our day to day lives, receiving little bits of light to ease our own burdens and those of others. Sometimes we know it comes from God, and other times there is a question. But we can know from the scriptures that “for there is nothing which is good save it comes from the Lord.” So go ahead and pick up the phone and call when you think of that person who might need you today, or go knock on the door of your neighbor when the thought comes to you, or stop to pray right then without putting it off for a few minutes. There is probably a reason for it, and you and someone else will likely be blessed.
Finally, I’d like to share this quote from Elder Bednar’s talk:
In many of the uncertainties and challenges we encounter in our lives, God requires us to do our best, to act and not be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:26), and to trust in Him. We may not see angels, hear heavenly voices, or receive overwhelming spiritual impressions. We frequently may press forward hoping and praying—but without absolute assurance—that we are acting in accordance with God’s will. As you appropriately seek for and apply unto the spirit of revelation, I promise you will “walk in the light of the Lord” (Isaiah 2:5; 2 Nephi 12:5.
So to go back to that June morning when I watched the light grow as I ran the last bit of my run, I knew I had been blessed by the light. I watched the faint light in the east grow that final mile until I turned a corner. I could see the brightly lit exchange ahead of me, which meant my husband and sister and friends were there waiting for me. The bright light of the exchange chased away all doubt, and I could finally know with assurity where I was meant to go. I compare it to the great light we will all go into one day, the light of God’s presence, where our family members and friends and our Father will be waiting to welcome us home, our long race completed, our bodies weary from the effort.
Bear true testimony. Amen.
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