the night dad died
The day dad died I went down, not knowing if my dad would live out the day but thinking he probably would. I took my running clothes, laptop, a frozen chow mein noodle packet, and Lonesome Dove. I got there at exactly 9:30. Mom was still getting ready for work so we visited while she got dressed and we talked about dad's medication and the nurse comeing. I told her I wanted to go running and she asked me to wait until the nurse came. When she came, she talked to me with such compassion. Dad was struggling to breathe - it came in spurts and stops and there was a rattle in his throat.
I went on my run. Mom said she would leave when the nurse left, so I told her I would be gone only 40 minutes. I went up the road to Main street Mapleton. I was amazed at how it was only a mile to pass Uncle Roe's house, the carnesecca's two houses, even Pat & Albert's new house. A mile of my life that fills up so much time, but only 10 minutes to run. I took the highway toward the high school and then went to canyon road and turned west. I was grateful for the trees. I turned onto the road to the high school and I saw a plastic deer standing in the trees. We started at each other, and then the plastic deer was a real deer and it bounded off into the trees. I thought - that was dad. It was a sign telling me he's going and that he'll be okay. I ran home - turning down the road that susan and andy lived on then again on 4th south - I've had so many dreams of running that road that it was satisfying. I turned the corner and went in to the house and there was mom, saying that dad wouldn't last the day and that she was staying home. I got emotional, but I was glad mom was going to be there.
We ate lunch together - yummy broccoli cream soup. I tried to read Lonesome Dove to dad, but I just sobbed. I read about Gus kicking the pigs off the porch, arguing with Pea and Newt about working too much, and Capt Call. It was soothing to me to have words to say - even if they weren't my own. I called LYndsay and she drove down immediatly. Amy was at a funeral, but we let Suzette know. Lyndsay, Suzette, Jacqui, Josie and Oakley got there about the same time. Dad was sleeping, but he would still cough. I kept trying to moisten his mouth. At one point, we tried to clip his nose hairs - dad pulled his face away - it made us laugh. He didn't like that one bit!
I talked to Amy and she offered to bring over some clothes. She was upset that Lynds and Jacq were there. She wanted it to be just us. I didn't care. I went out to talk to her. I was upset, but I saw lyndsay driving 2 hours to be there and I didn't want to send her away. so I talked to her and then called shane to tell him I would be staying. It was hard to not just go home, but I had told him if it was close, I would say there and not come home, I'm so glad I stayed. I was looking at mom's yard and went and got some gardening gloves and then I pulled some weeds. then I started talking to Jean, mom's neighbor. She offered me a saw if I would cut down a tree growing out of an almost dead rosebush. I hacked the rosebush and tree down. eventually Lydns and Josie came out and visited with me. Then Amy came. everyone wondered why I was gardenning. It was comforting to make a little of dad's old yard come back while he was so close. I think he would have gotten a kick out it. It started to rain and I went inside, the rosebush cut down to a manageable size.
Inside MOnte and Roe had came. I read Amy and the girls my talk while they visited dad. At some point I spilled dad's morphine on his pillow - how stupid of me. Us girls and the babies sat on mom's bed, chatting and laughing at the babies. I loved it. Mary lou came down and we visited in the front yard after a giant rain storm blew through. She was upset about us letting dad go. I told her it was okay. It was a good thing.
Suzette came back. We ate yummy spaghetti and salad. soon after, I went to be with dad. I was holding josie - she was asleep in my arms, so sweet, so cuddly, such a pleasant weight in my arms. He was breathing this loud sound. I told him my news. I've only ever said it outloud to someone else once. I told him he needed to go, that he could only help me from the other side, that he needed to be there so that I could have the blessings that are in store. It was a few moments later that mom came in and we gave him more medicine, only it didn't got down well. I got scared because his breathing stopped - he couldn't breathe, and I think he aspirated his medicine. the girls sat around and we all grabbed on - I held his right hand, amy his left, mom and suzette at his head. we all told him to go. his breathing got slower and slower - suzette finnaly said - he's gone. then he started breathing again. but it never changed. it went in and out in and out and he never coughed or twitched or anything the rest of the night. I think he went then - but his heart and lungs didn't know to stop. we stayed that way, gathered around him, for what seemed like hours. but then we started talking about all the bad things we did as teenagers. I told my mom I used to smoke. suzette told us about drying pot in the microwave and then smoking it in her room. we laughed. Lyndsay hung around. Michele came about 11:30 with britteny. she stayed about 45 minutes then left. then we went to bed. i slept on the floor, but then I moved to my old bed. i got a sheet after about 2 hours. I woke mom up 2 times to give dad medicine. his breathing got quieter and quieter. I thought it stopped so I would wake up, but then It would start again. I listened to the train and to the rooster and felt the cool winnd through the window. the second time I got mom up she thought he was gone. I went back to sleep for 1/2 an hour then zet got up to give him more medicien. It took about 2 breaths and we were all holding on to him and he passed away, so slowly. nothing changed - he'd been gone for hours, just breathing, waiting for his body to catch up to the loss of his spirite.
we cried and sent texts and waited for monte and roe and the nurse. we talked about african keening and the night and what we had experienced and how it was such a relief that he was gone and I wrote the obituary. the mortuary came and got him - it was weird to have them cover his face and take away his body. we sat around and then went to breakfast. we talked about NPR and diane rehm's voice disease and then we laughed til we cried at breakfast becuase of the thought that I had sent a text saying "grandpa died peacefully at 6:40. we were all there. love you.z" who did I send a text to that grandpa died? we then went and got all of grandma's pictures and we took all the ones that had our family only and we put them in envelopes and I brought them home to scan. amy and I and mom went to the morturary and decided to have a private viewing to close the casket, then move him to the church for the funeral then move him to the cemetary.
I talked at the funeral. amy did too and monte. lyndsay said a prayter and so did kayci. Kendell said the prayer at the mortuary. Uncle roe said the praryer at the cemetary. dianne and tuck and dear pat came. I cried when I saw chris and dad's friend wayne shurtliff. I knew he was my dad's friend and I was grateful he still cared about him. Almost all my cousins were there - only jake missed it. we got a picture with everyone except michele, rochelle, susan, and Jake.
I went on my run. Mom said she would leave when the nurse left, so I told her I would be gone only 40 minutes. I went up the road to Main street Mapleton. I was amazed at how it was only a mile to pass Uncle Roe's house, the carnesecca's two houses, even Pat & Albert's new house. A mile of my life that fills up so much time, but only 10 minutes to run. I took the highway toward the high school and then went to canyon road and turned west. I was grateful for the trees. I turned onto the road to the high school and I saw a plastic deer standing in the trees. We started at each other, and then the plastic deer was a real deer and it bounded off into the trees. I thought - that was dad. It was a sign telling me he's going and that he'll be okay. I ran home - turning down the road that susan and andy lived on then again on 4th south - I've had so many dreams of running that road that it was satisfying. I turned the corner and went in to the house and there was mom, saying that dad wouldn't last the day and that she was staying home. I got emotional, but I was glad mom was going to be there.
We ate lunch together - yummy broccoli cream soup. I tried to read Lonesome Dove to dad, but I just sobbed. I read about Gus kicking the pigs off the porch, arguing with Pea and Newt about working too much, and Capt Call. It was soothing to me to have words to say - even if they weren't my own. I called LYndsay and she drove down immediatly. Amy was at a funeral, but we let Suzette know. Lyndsay, Suzette, Jacqui, Josie and Oakley got there about the same time. Dad was sleeping, but he would still cough. I kept trying to moisten his mouth. At one point, we tried to clip his nose hairs - dad pulled his face away - it made us laugh. He didn't like that one bit!
I talked to Amy and she offered to bring over some clothes. She was upset that Lynds and Jacq were there. She wanted it to be just us. I didn't care. I went out to talk to her. I was upset, but I saw lyndsay driving 2 hours to be there and I didn't want to send her away. so I talked to her and then called shane to tell him I would be staying. It was hard to not just go home, but I had told him if it was close, I would say there and not come home, I'm so glad I stayed. I was looking at mom's yard and went and got some gardening gloves and then I pulled some weeds. then I started talking to Jean, mom's neighbor. She offered me a saw if I would cut down a tree growing out of an almost dead rosebush. I hacked the rosebush and tree down. eventually Lydns and Josie came out and visited with me. Then Amy came. everyone wondered why I was gardenning. It was comforting to make a little of dad's old yard come back while he was so close. I think he would have gotten a kick out it. It started to rain and I went inside, the rosebush cut down to a manageable size.
Inside MOnte and Roe had came. I read Amy and the girls my talk while they visited dad. At some point I spilled dad's morphine on his pillow - how stupid of me. Us girls and the babies sat on mom's bed, chatting and laughing at the babies. I loved it. Mary lou came down and we visited in the front yard after a giant rain storm blew through. She was upset about us letting dad go. I told her it was okay. It was a good thing.
Suzette came back. We ate yummy spaghetti and salad. soon after, I went to be with dad. I was holding josie - she was asleep in my arms, so sweet, so cuddly, such a pleasant weight in my arms. He was breathing this loud sound. I told him my news. I've only ever said it outloud to someone else once. I told him he needed to go, that he could only help me from the other side, that he needed to be there so that I could have the blessings that are in store. It was a few moments later that mom came in and we gave him more medicine, only it didn't got down well. I got scared because his breathing stopped - he couldn't breathe, and I think he aspirated his medicine. the girls sat around and we all grabbed on - I held his right hand, amy his left, mom and suzette at his head. we all told him to go. his breathing got slower and slower - suzette finnaly said - he's gone. then he started breathing again. but it never changed. it went in and out in and out and he never coughed or twitched or anything the rest of the night. I think he went then - but his heart and lungs didn't know to stop. we stayed that way, gathered around him, for what seemed like hours. but then we started talking about all the bad things we did as teenagers. I told my mom I used to smoke. suzette told us about drying pot in the microwave and then smoking it in her room. we laughed. Lyndsay hung around. Michele came about 11:30 with britteny. she stayed about 45 minutes then left. then we went to bed. i slept on the floor, but then I moved to my old bed. i got a sheet after about 2 hours. I woke mom up 2 times to give dad medicine. his breathing got quieter and quieter. I thought it stopped so I would wake up, but then It would start again. I listened to the train and to the rooster and felt the cool winnd through the window. the second time I got mom up she thought he was gone. I went back to sleep for 1/2 an hour then zet got up to give him more medicien. It took about 2 breaths and we were all holding on to him and he passed away, so slowly. nothing changed - he'd been gone for hours, just breathing, waiting for his body to catch up to the loss of his spirite.
we cried and sent texts and waited for monte and roe and the nurse. we talked about african keening and the night and what we had experienced and how it was such a relief that he was gone and I wrote the obituary. the mortuary came and got him - it was weird to have them cover his face and take away his body. we sat around and then went to breakfast. we talked about NPR and diane rehm's voice disease and then we laughed til we cried at breakfast becuase of the thought that I had sent a text saying "grandpa died peacefully at 6:40. we were all there. love you.z" who did I send a text to that grandpa died? we then went and got all of grandma's pictures and we took all the ones that had our family only and we put them in envelopes and I brought them home to scan. amy and I and mom went to the morturary and decided to have a private viewing to close the casket, then move him to the church for the funeral then move him to the cemetary.
I talked at the funeral. amy did too and monte. lyndsay said a prayter and so did kayci. Kendell said the prayer at the mortuary. Uncle roe said the praryer at the cemetary. dianne and tuck and dear pat came. I cried when I saw chris and dad's friend wayne shurtliff. I knew he was my dad's friend and I was grateful he still cared about him. Almost all my cousins were there - only jake missed it. we got a picture with everyone except michele, rochelle, susan, and Jake.
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